he loves me...he loves me not...*plucking flower petals*

It the worst feeling to don't know whether you should just give up or wait...........

is it worth waiting or giving up? i don't know anymore...

I wish there was some assurance...

for now, i need to be independent...cannot be what was i before.

I still have my dignity

The treasured heart

that once were

was broken

can you hear its falling into pieces

I never was an angel

don't put a halo on me

I had not much

Now I don't worth much

I 've lost

My heart and all

You used to hold me tight

You used to whisper praises in my ears

You used to shower me with soft kisses

Now You seem so strange to me

as though I never knew much about you

I've yearn for your praise and approval

I treasure moments of those beautiful events

but now what am i to believe

Can your words be trusted?

Am I the one you love?

Or you need?

Do i hold the key to your heart

or just the replica?

Do you hold me sacred?

Do you think i'm worthy?

Am i special...

You made me felt demean,

You put sorrow in me

You brand me with being replaceable...

what am i to you?

I just want you to show me...

And want me to believe

heartbroken....

Can't remember the last time i was this heartbroken....

Now i think i can never trust anyone, at least in human form....The person i trust the most somehow betray me...and it hurts..

Whatever self esteem i built up, just shattered........whatever hopes of i had has been blown away

but right now, i suppose i made a right decision..i still love him...

but in the back o fmy head, i just feel pain and wonders whether was i the same as any other girl, was i just there and easy for him to take me for granted...was i not worth it? did i change so much that i am no longer special...was i even special..................

I just need the prove...

I just want him to want me , and show me do he really want me not just out of responsibility

i just wanna take a breather out of this....

ps : nobody reads this blog anyways........

Happy hols...only not so happy

I had a dream....*phew...too formal..*

Okay, I had a plan where August I would work my ass off and earn 200$ a week...but it was scattered ever since i came home- I have Quinsy.

I was admitted to the hospital, and stayed there for 3 whole days, not a big deal. Just a syringe down your throat, sucking puss from your tonsils.

Thank God for insurance! Amen!

I really feel useless...I wanted to earn the money to get my boy a proper birthday gift, my sister a MP3 (so she won't hog mine) and myself a couple of dresses (and maybe a corset) for my brothers wedding....

How the hell am i suppose to afford all those things right now?

I am starting to feel like my old self lately, thats not all right.

I think the pressure is starting to hit my again, being at my brother's wedding and a laughing stock.

I have never lost my weight, my salon chopped off half of my hair and obviously, every1 is looking at me like an ugly chick.

No Shops for big girls around here. Only so much you can convince yourself that your beautiful.

He tells me otherwise, that i am all amazing, i wanna believe that, i wanna trust him and think so too. Be positive and all...but its just never easy....

Wish me luck on terror weekend! Shopping for clothes.....urghhhh