when the clouds are hidding the sun

recently things are really goiing downhill..thinking abotu going home makes me really not that happy...and memory card is damage...everything missing..uggghhh

i miss my baby..things aren't going so well..since my threatened to disown me or pull me out of college..if a choice has to be made, i will have to give him up, atleast i am some how near to him, and i know he is okay, by coincidence i might bump into him, or maybe stay as BFF (lol_). If i was back home with that kind of terms... i probably be miserable and put myself infront of the train...

Got the results yesterday, and trying to appeal...How the heck can 1 get a C for english!!!! NO f******* WAY!!! And that asshole leader got a B, i got a C!!! I did all the work....

FIY: Last semester sucks...i have 2 replacement lecturer, one is plays with her pets another is a snobbish ass teacher! and when the results came out the one that i dun deserve, i ask, and all she can say, i dun no anything,i was't there!!!! ( i know i can't blame her, her stomach was as big as a person could fit inside, she had to deliver, but stillll.....)

Uggg.....enough of that...the worse part is still the clashing of my love life and my family life...

I can;t talk to my baby..not so much...coz we're kinda having a break from each other...for one month, see how it goes, if my mom believes we broken up, then we be underground lovers....if not, we would really have to break...

sometimes i am so sorry to put him through this, i know i will be asking toomuch for him to like wait for me...who knows what the future holds...

As much as i dun wanna admit, i know some1 better is out there, and in the long run, it will be wasting his time, i will wait, coz i found that 1 person.. (and my market is very badddddd) but i rather he not, i feel bad for him, for him , to put him in these kind of situation...he didn't enjoy much of a couple should and in one month, parents issues posses a threat.

As for my parents...i am not pissed or what...This is my chosing, i dun regret anything.I love my family..i try to make them proud. I just realise how nothing i am ...how sad is it...i didn't do anything right...apparently falling in love was the way they see it, a mistake i chose.

But many thanks to my baby, i am gaining bits of confidence...i dunno know how did i change...i only hope the best...he let me know that people can somehow accept me..Its just i haven't found the right ones...

"'you mix with alot of ah lian and ah beng" he said...haha...

Now...all i know , no matter how happy i am, something is missing...I know it.

People around me see it...one gal, her name is janet(not so close), she ask me why am i sad?..and my lecturer ask me why do i look so gloomy...it is becoming that obvious...which i dun intend to. i really dun...i need to hide myself now...

so bye's...

When the cloud hides the sun

And the rain comes

can you see my tears

and my heart broken

When the clouds hides the sun

And the rays no longer seen

all there left is greyness

in all that i can see

When the clouds refuse to go

and the sun struggles to shine trough

can you see that i am too

trying to go through and have you in my arms

When the clouds had all its fun

and wants to leave

The sun shines its warmest ray

and it hits the ground,

i know all be better,

cause in that mists of rays

i know i'll see you and have you in my arms again.

i dun wan to let u go..

Just read my baby's blog, and i can't help but think how hard is it for me to give him up, i never had any1 like him...i never felt so much for someone before.

Whatever he felt for me, i feel it too... i wanna be with him, now i can't do anything for him. I have to give him up, kinda for 3 years. But i will never know, who would take him away, he said he'll wait...but like my bro says, "thats the standard answer". i dunno whether some other awesome girl would just take him away.

And now i am feeling alone more than ever, i know my mom loves me, and its for my own good, but i just dun have the heart to let go just like that. I am not the person i used to be. It took me back and forth to finally have atleast a bit of happiness and love and i found in him....Nobody has ever accepted me for who i am the way he does.. i know it sounds cliche and all..

I only want the best for my family and for my baby... i just want to do good and be good.. i am not the most good person, but i am trying ..i really am..

Now i feel so alone, my best friend and my roommate is so distance and we are no longer close anymore, and i dun have much friends or support...let just say i am alone....

Now i am not so sure i could even break up with him or not.....coz i only love him too much to ever lose him

Ugly and Not sexy...and definately not in the mood~

Time to update before my baby complain again...haha

I feel sad..and awful . I feel really down

Finally meeting some1 .. the right 1 .Now? I am told to leave him by my own mother.

Yes, its true, being 20 and i can't date. As quote " you still need me to survive, this is one principal i cannot change.....(alot of things being said) ....You find out a way to "dun wan" this yourself, dun make me angry and disappointed any further." thats exactly my mom said...

Dun raise your eyebrows, coz i was shocked and speechless. Then now almost my whole family knows, except my eldest sister ( she will kill me), and my dad (he will die and then kill me). My brother and my sis, jeff and joni knows only because i told em. But they didn't tell my mom, my mom sense it. then she ask me to tell her honestly..

She says it is for my own good. I know what she thinks and i love her so much.. I hate to lie,but its sometimes safe my butt and for not hurting other people. Now i really dun no what to do.. I have been so selfish all the time...Now i know that i am not at all making her proud... But i dun wanna let go either...i love him too much

You mught think its only more than a month , its still fragile, want to break can break easy. But what we have is extreme, and so deep...its going stronger every day...We even made a video yesterday night and finish a very very cheap rum. We slowed dance too...We did this so we can remember the good times, and if we were to be separated ,there is something that keep us together.We were both tipsy...yup...drunk...its was memorable.

Oh yeah, The imagerium of Dr Parnassus, was awesome, it would be better if they made 3d. And Old dogs is awesome too!!! I laugh all the way from start to the end. And um...what more ah...

Now i wanna do my best in convincing her that whatever it is, i love her and need to show her that i am already can handle things properly...I am the youngest , may be they can't see that i am growing up...if only they knew how was i...

hopefully , well...for the best..Baby , i love you..now and if can forever.

(if i can upload the video, i will soon...)

1st month

It is our 1st month together, even though its a short period of time, but i feel like i knew for a lifetime. It feels amazing, and i am wishing for many more to come.

We'll meet soon, 41 hours to be exact, can't wait to meet me... I can say I love him.

Was not sure at 1st, cause it hit me like lighting, so fast and so hard... I can't help but fall..

Somehow he gave me a new meaning in life and has been supportive of me. He show me new things and been there through some of those disappointing moments... Shortly saying, i am spoil by him..sometimes i think it is too good to be true or he is too good for me...

He may not be handsome ( which he is when he is thinner), but he is sweet and awesome, talented, independent and caring...he is not rich in material but he is a good guy

REcently i have started reading a book..dun judge me or whatever..called "how to fuck a woman's brain out"..which is very insightful not those how to fuck a woman's book..but how to keep a woman ..in a weird manner...Its kinda controverting and mind provoking...

This is year is a new year...will have lots to accomplish..among the list....

• Read more
• Smile more
• Lose weight to be healthy and fit into a normal blouse. I dun wanna be a stick though
• Learn drums (maybe)
• Pass my exams and score a 3.5 GPA
• Make my parents proud
• Make sure my family doesn't find out that i am dating
• Socialize more
• maybe learn how to shuffle or how to DJ

ETC......

well thats not too much..will add up when i get new stuff to do...

maybe join cheer leading...some1 offered!!!!

oh..and a mess-up-something i wrote ..

there are kids who are cute

and there kids who are sweet

but the ones who come today are neither

they are less than cute

and more to ugly and rude

I wanna throw em

I wanna smack en

I wanna stranggle em

And hell, I wan em out of the house

They are rude,

They have no manners,

Never know how their parents can deal it

They are incarnation of every spoil things in the world

If i was alone with them

Oh the things i'll do

I'll punish em..

And might sell em

but mostly i will change em..

for the better of my world

Apparently...my baby has already told his parents..and his parents are with us, as to how envious i am..i can't tell my parents yet..

life is boring , and i am boring, updating a blog that i think no one reads..lol ...memang no life

Had a fight with my bro..he being the jerk and me being sensitive and all..that add some spice i think..

In a few more days, i will be going back to KL, do wat? study la...really am happy cause i will be meeting my baby, i missed him for so long.

Down near the river flows

of love and tears

memories reveals

of pain and laughters

Memories flows

Just as the river flows

Gently bringing with it

the feeling that once had

Memories hurts

when all sorrow collides

and the pain are remembered

the heart falls into pieces

Memories brings hope

when all hopes of present has fallen

Gives closure

when darkness come and consume the sun

Memories are left

undeniable,

touching and filled,

with feelings and passion...

memories, do you remember me?