Wish i was stronger

As i am

I wish i was stronger, much more stronger.

I'd wish i would just stop looking for approval...

"There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning, the only reason you suffer the shitty boss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. "Fear or revere me, but please think I'm special." We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The "hip, hip, hoo-fucking-rah." Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Cos we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others. " the movie, Revolver

i wish i was much less nerdier and stop doing or helping people, cause i think its fun. Because, apparently, people think i have ulterior motives...So thats how the world work now?

What i don't know could really fill a few books. doesn't it.....? I personally think puberty hit late for me..cause whatever i said feels like identity crisis to me..

Damn , its October...close to November 3rd...my birthday- 21st..should I be excited?

Nothing would change really, my parents still gives me "nada" freedom .... i don't get a key of freedom, just more locks and fake keys to booby trap...

No partying, no boyfriends, no to weird colour nail polish, or makeup, or curses, or even up to recently- cutting my hair short.

Oh yes, even though i sort of dislike this hairstyle of mine, I don't expect to be called and asked "why did you cut your hair like tat? " or any other i look bad comments....as though i violated another overrated rule again...Its not like i look any better before?...

he loves me...he loves me not...*plucking flower petals*

It the worst feeling to don't know whether you should just give up or wait...........

is it worth waiting or giving up? i don't know anymore...

I wish there was some assurance...

for now, i need to be independent...cannot be what was i before.

I still have my dignity

The treasured heart

that once were

was broken

can you hear its falling into pieces

I never was an angel

don't put a halo on me

I had not much

Now I don't worth much

I 've lost

My heart and all

You used to hold me tight

You used to whisper praises in my ears

You used to shower me with soft kisses

Now You seem so strange to me

as though I never knew much about you

I've yearn for your praise and approval

I treasure moments of those beautiful events

but now what am i to believe

Can your words be trusted?

Am I the one you love?

Or you need?

Do i hold the key to your heart

or just the replica?

Do you hold me sacred?

Do you think i'm worthy?

Am i special...

You made me felt demean,

You put sorrow in me

You brand me with being replaceable...

what am i to you?

I just want you to show me...

And want me to believe

heartbroken....

Can't remember the last time i was this heartbroken....

Now i think i can never trust anyone, at least in human form....The person i trust the most somehow betray me...and it hurts..

Whatever self esteem i built up, just shattered........whatever hopes of i had has been blown away

but right now, i suppose i made a right decision..i still love him...

but in the back o fmy head, i just feel pain and wonders whether was i the same as any other girl, was i just there and easy for him to take me for granted...was i not worth it? did i change so much that i am no longer special...was i even special..................

I just need the prove...

I just want him to want me , and show me do he really want me not just out of responsibility

i just wanna take a breather out of this....

ps : nobody reads this blog anyways........

Happy hols...only not so happy

I had a dream....*phew...too formal..*

Okay, I had a plan where August I would work my ass off and earn 200$ a week...but it was scattered ever since i came home- I have Quinsy.

I was admitted to the hospital, and stayed there for 3 whole days, not a big deal. Just a syringe down your throat, sucking puss from your tonsils.

Thank God for insurance! Amen!

I really feel useless...I wanted to earn the money to get my boy a proper birthday gift, my sister a MP3 (so she won't hog mine) and myself a couple of dresses (and maybe a corset) for my brothers wedding....

How the hell am i suppose to afford all those things right now?

I am starting to feel like my old self lately, thats not all right.

I think the pressure is starting to hit my again, being at my brother's wedding and a laughing stock.

I have never lost my weight, my salon chopped off half of my hair and obviously, every1 is looking at me like an ugly chick.

No Shops for big girls around here. Only so much you can convince yourself that your beautiful.

He tells me otherwise, that i am all amazing, i wanna believe that, i wanna trust him and think so too. Be positive and all...but its just never easy....

Wish me luck on terror weekend! Shopping for clothes.....urghhhh

july blues

other than listening to "sex bomb"....i have nothing else to do really, though i should be studying, but what the heck, anyways no body read this, so i'll cram it saying i'm lazy....

things been rough and easy...i have a sudden crave for learning nail arts and writing reviews about books i buy...what da you think?

hello happiness...next time i won't bite..

I meant it when I say, its time to say Yes to the right things, that means No to bad stuff.
Though i won't say NO to alcohol, and definitely not wonka nerds.
Lifes been good, I kinda feel more secure about myself, some things that happened, all together these 4 years been really opaque. So cloudy, and tight-light, I am not even sure what are the things that happen, whose fault is it, and the best part, phone numbers that i thought i'd never forget, I forgot....Its like Robin from HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.
And most of the time i think my memory has reconstructed consciously.

I just realize that those people who i thought i'd never hang out with, i did...and those who were close, well they left my circle of live completely, reasons being I'm too Awesome for them. No , not that...haha...My personalty isn't that well receive and common, not to mention, my perverted and obscene mind added with humor and well slow to respond, and I naturally don't click well with people...
But be honest, who could actually be likeable to everybody without faking it, if you do see someone like that, most likely well...just put your wage on 50/50 on that person
I grew up alot, thanks to experience...
There was an incident, about wanting to boycott a substitude lecturer and the official one, in one my class, ended up, nobody boycott the lecturer and did as told, but only those who proposed...and everyone was angry at that group cause the substitute teacher had to bring the official lecturer and well, she would have given us an easy A, if n0t because of this. It was a mess, through out the semester, and that probably was the last straw for that group....Honestly speaking that class was not what it suppose to be
They man up...and confess..and well was technically hated by the whole class
But they are my friends aswell, i was part of the class as well..
I was angry at first, but they are my friends and technically, we;re humans, we do stupid stuff something that involves people around us,so I don't really blame them, cause the class is over so is exam as well as everything....and I did my best...
Recently, I was asked to give advice to a close friend of my mom 's daughter. She just finish school.. and thinking of what to study...I know how it feels, and I was like that once, different is she is super smart with 10 As...me only 2... I told her to pick her passion, do what she likes and not to worry bout money, well, with grades like you can get a scholarship almost anywhere. She was not on ground, i think i made her heart more indecisive. But yea , i told her to take your time and choose, and don't choose because you think you can stall time by going to form 6.

But really...who am i to say? I took this major at random, thinking why not, how hard could it be, I like it now,not so sure bout passion, but yea, its not all bad...I suppose its how you adapt... But I want to do broadcasting.. or film or anything..i am open to all things fun. But i know i can never perform...means like acting or modeling, I have skill confidence not my looks or body, I know where i stand....

I am very average, but unique , i suppose, I think in my own way, never liked to be too socialize and too much of following others, i find it tiring....though i don;t mind it once a while....
maybe thats why only awesome and really wacky people hang around me...lol
oh yea, did i mention i scare a guy in class of his seat...he was trying to be talking normal, with a joke of sex or two (or he didn't??) , i scare him off his seat by the way i was talking to Jazzy..hahaha...sorry helwin...I didn't mean any harm...
before anything show u my baby nephew whom i adore much and some photo of me how i look lik now..but its so different between me self-taking pictures and those taken by other ppl....

Keith and his bro- Michael

My baby nephew Keith

self cam

and

taken by other people

i'm not happy now

in the next few hours, i'll be off to KL to attend my brother's registry...

Happy for him, just today is 12, 12th is a day that is not good with me and my mood...

flashbacks...and flashback...

how long can i hold this up every month?? I can;t forget, i need to remember...so i won't do it again.

enough of my miserable part,

few things i should be happy and proud of...

no 1. i help paint my house

no 2. some hindrance....my cute nephew, i am his sucker, he needs me near and close, so i can;t paint long..he is so sweet....

no 3. i get to eat...

no 4. i get to play game....new game i like- AIKa!!! woot woot

no 5. no money problems for a while

though there is a thing or two...

the clothes i kept to want to fit in again someday was worn by my sis..my BUM jeans of waist 31...i am sad..sob sob...T.T

oh baby.. this song is for u...I have Nothing

Share my life,
Take me for what I am.
'Cause I'll never change
All my colors for you.

Take my love,
I'll never ask for too much,
Just all that you are
And everything that you do.

I don't really need to look
Very much further/farther,
I don't wanna have to go
Where you don't follow.
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside.
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.
(Your love I'll remember forever.)

Chorus:
Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there.
Don't walk away from me.
(No, don't walk awya from me. Don't you dare walk away from me.)
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don't have you, you (you, you, you./If I don't have you, oh, oo.)

You see through,
Right to the heart of me.
You break down my walls
With the strength of your love.

I never knew
Love like I've known it with you.
Will a memory survive,
One I can hold on to?

I don't really need to look
Very much further/farther,
I don't wanna have to go
Where you don't follow.
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside.
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.
(Your love I'll remember forever.)

(Chorus 2x)

Its been sometime since i blog...
so i 'm here to say...I am TIRED...

song of the night- if i die young,by the band perry

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a, bed of roses

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother

She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and

Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no

Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a, bed of roses

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom

I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've

Never known the lovin' of a man

But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a

Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,

Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,

I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a, bed of roses

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)

The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)

Go with peace and love

Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket

Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

say your beautiful...

In this mist of assignment+ presentation time, i took the liberty to....well write here~^^

the tittle says it all....thats what I keep telling myself, and others. Well not men, if its men, i'll "your good-looking"...sounds not so glamorous though.

I've had tough, weird, good, bad , drunk and all you name it week. It was bizarre. I made a list early this year to do the things I should, so far none is tick....all are undone ....and its ........tadaaaa....."APRIL"... how sad for me..

I have inferiority complex, I would say I am quite serious....till the point "need therapy"... but nah... I love the song "Fuckin Perfect"...its suits me..a lot..

in the first and second verse says it all..

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look i'm still around.

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel.
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel, like you're nothing.
You're fuckin' perfect to me!

Nobody is perfect by theory, but you guys are to me, cause all you've done, I know i always been a pain, I'm sorry, but I do love you all down in my heart. I experience the best day today, I was given compliment, appreciation, loved, cared, and sugar high, and well pampered....Some one actually say i'm hot, me!!! weee...by a girl. I get happy easily, and yea...i feel beautiful today~^^

But don't forget the night before, i had barbecue. The theme was Broken-ness. I think its apart of us. The speaker was sitting with Reza, talking about jesus and christianity, so Reza ask me was i christian i said yes, he sign and went "ai yai yai" ..i told him not to worry, i won't preach so he can eat in peace. I don't mean i don't want to spread the good news...But everyone that day had a little bit of God inside. Nisha, she was kind and generous. Priscilla was awesome-ly cool game organizer, she made us happy and getting to know each other, Reza was sweet and hilarious with his quiet friend Ali, May, Joanne, Clarisse was being awesomely nice people, Gretchen and Roy was like there busy doing work, Joyce was being well, joy. Leonard was the best accompany i can ever have. Scary note: After the bbq, i saw 2 police with big anti-aircraft machine gun in the lift- apparently to quiet a party in 3A...haha..bet those aussie got scared.

Today, Puteri was sweet and fluffy...i love her hugs....Daniel was a good listener, Nabila always fun and wacky with Wanka (sugar heaven--hell yeah), Jaz, was so funny and like a sister I wanna adopt...she gave birth to her kittens, she adores them dearly.

They are all perfect to me...They are all beautiful to me... Cause they are who they are ...And I'm glad to have people like them....

P/s:Priscilla, your balloon got picked by some guy, hope he doesn't come looking for you .

P.P.S: If there is a cop reading, you don't need a machine guy to raise fear and pulse....your uniform and side guns are enough...seriously dude, WTF?

song of the day-1000 words

I know that your hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily

I acted so distant then
Didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening
You fight your battles far from me
Far too easily

"Save your tears cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore
To hide the pain, when I turn back the pages
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time
And distance holding you, suspended on silver wings
And a thousand words
One thousand confessions
Will cradel you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away
They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can't forget
I still relive that day
You've been there with me all the way
I still hear you say

"Wait for me, I'll write you letters"
I could see how you stand with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore
To hide the doubt when I turn back the pages
Anger might have been the answer
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait
But now I'm stroing enough to know it's not too late

Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll fly to you
Even though we can't see
I know they are reaching you, suspended on silver wings
Oh a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradel you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They'll hold you forever

Oh a thousand words (a thousand words)
Have never been spoken (ohh yeah)
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home, (carry you home) and into my arms
Suspended on silver wings (on silver wings!)
And a thousand words (ohh)
Call out through the ages (call through the ages!)
They'll cradel you (ohh yeah)
Make all of the lonely years to lonely days (lonely days)
They'll hold you forever.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh a thousand words

Apparently i'm a fucking slut... my parents and sister seem to think so...
I am not to be trusted

BEWARE AWARE, I LIE TOO FUCKING MUCH

just fucking kill me...
and now you seem to think i am an idiot- i admit

i am also forget-fucking-ful....but u also know that i am so fucking tell people that i fucking have you and fucking ask them politely to fuck off

off with this feeling.

I think one day...everyone is going away, its like i'm a slow growing virus, that either everyone starts to hate me and resent me or just me going away from them cause either bored or just learn that we are just not in the same "world".

My childhood friend said i was anti-social when i was in high school, the fact is i wanted more friends that anyone, i went through a lot of lengths and just got push down.
If i was in a bar, i'll the ugly one that someone wants to get laid before last call, and i didn't even know it. Thats how my high school people resent me, boys or girls even my juniors.

I was meant to be a loner. Being alone is fine, i got books, musics and occasional homework to rush, i'm good at alone work, I 'm not good with people. But i don't want to be feeling lonely, left out, nobody remembers you at all, only when your good knowledge and service is needed.

My baby answer my question, I will be bitter like this. Apparently not cause i'm a different race people don't like me, now that i've talked more vulgarly and more frank, no more manja-ish, its just what? EVERYTHING ELSE OF ME

Fuck it, why am i even here? I failed my family, i've hurt myself, i've made everyone go away, pushing all the fuck away,spoilt all my stuff electronically, screw up my body, wasted money. Why am i so destructive??? i can't save me. who can i help then?

the only i have left is him and HIM.

song of the night- heartbreak hotel....by elvis

Well, since my baby left me
Well, I found a new place to dwell
Well, it's down at the end of Lonely Street
At Heartbreak Hotel

Well, I'll be
I'll be so lonely baby
Well, I'm so lonely
I'll be so lonely, I could die

Oh, although it's always crowded
You still can find some room
For broken hearted lovers
To cry there in their gloom

They'll be so
They'll be so lonely, baby
Well, they're so lonely
They're so lonely, they could die

Now, the bell hop's tears keep flowin'
And the desk clerk's dressed in black
Well, they been so long on Lonely Street
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/elvis-presley-lyrics/heartbreak-hotel-lyrics.html )
They'll never ever look back

And it's so
Well, it's so lonely baby
Well, they're so lonely
Well, they're so lonely, they could've die

Well, if your baby leaves you
You got a tale to tell
Well, just take a walk down Lonely Street
To Heartbreak Hotel

Where you will be
You'll be so lonely, baby
Well you'll be lonely
You'll be so lonely you could die

Oh, although it's always crowded
You still can find some room
For broken hearted lovers
To cry there in their gloom

They've been so
They're be so lonely, baby
Well, they're so lonely
They'll be so lonely, they could die

Moral## Your heart breaks, there are others like you, find a hotel and cry and be lonely a while

just tired

These are the times,
I don't want to be me

These are the times
I feel as alone and as lonely
as I could ever feel...

As though giving Ur best is not enough....shows how low you actually are
and people rub it in your face

Have I not done enough?

sophisticate

sophisticate- by definition -

1. having refined or cultured tastes and habits

2. appealing to sophisticates a sophisticated restaurant

3. unduly refined or cultured

4. pretentiously or superficially wise

5. (of machines, methods, etc.) complex and refined

From online.


but lets play around with words ya?...
Here is my version....


S- hold your heart Sacred above all things, for it reflects you
O- be always Observant, for you always see others needs
P- have Peace, never fret for nothing comes out of it
H- have some Humor, for it share joy and ease pain
I- never be Improper, stay polite always for the tongue could hurt more than a fist
S- Be Sincere, to rich or poor, for one deed is never forgotten even sincerity
T- Be Trustworthy, for trust is a virtue hard to come by and hard to achieve
I- Try to be Interesting, for your own sake not others, for then life will be interesting
C- Be Casual, something simple and appreciated
A- Be Awesome, because you are
T- Be Thankful, either way your alive still
E- Be Eccentric once a while, no one should be sane all the time

odd day...

Today is so odd...

I miss ash Wednesday, went to watch a movie (127 hours)...and dinner, only to find out my mum called 14 times...yes...I'm a jerk for letting my mom worry. I forgot i put it on silent...

I didn't have class today, she asked me why didn't tell her, I tried last night she was busy...

I went to the movies with Leo..She said she didn't give me her permission why am i still going out with him, even though 2 or 3 weeks ago she said she knows i won't break up, just be honest to her about where i go, so yea....honesty!! there it goes....so what the hell you want...

Later..I went to multipurpose hall..where i suppose was a sign..

I went thre for fun, it was pretty good, i remember the girls name: May, Joan, Clarisse and Sarah...
we did odd photo shoots...which is fun, we had 4 booths ,a nd weird cardboard frames...But i was still down

before we left , a guy name Roy ( he was knida hot and short) hahaha....gave this speech which was really nice...
when he started talking i was think :oh god...another god story...but it wasn't exactly like tat...it was well very sweet,...

everyday is a new story to write, and every1 is important.
Guard your heart, because your heart reflects your life
all pain is temporary,and be happy even your sad ( its dammmmn hard)
Read the bible, God's hand is always there,
Do not fret or worry,
Control your anger and think,
He is never forceful, take his hand when your ready ( i think...)
whatever experience is beautiful and there is a lesson.


thats all i can remember..



Best part ...i got free chicken rice.....

Get a life- Siam Shade

Getting cold
Time to ride
Think I'll head up north
Hungry now
Dinner time
Think I'll eat a rose
I ain't crazy
I'm just a little strange
Get a life

Ain't no clown
I'm alive
Think I'll keep my soul
Take my time
Take my dreams
I might take your life
I ain't crazy
I don't do over time
I ain't lazy
I'm busy loving life
Freedom is a right

Don't tell me what to do
Don't tell me what to say
How to live my life
I'll live it anyway
I'm not part of your game
And you're not part of mine
Can't buy my soul
No money can buy time,love or hope

Don't you fuck with me
I won't fuck with you
Don't you bring me down
I won't bring down you
Don't you fuck with me
I won't fuck with you
Don't you bring me down
I won't bring down you
I won't break you

Justice, an injustice Majority
Rules the others
Lord,I just wanna walk away
Need a better location
A place where nobody tells me
What is right
And what is wrong
Where no footsteps lie
Ahead of me
Everything with new.
We'll all gonna die
Anyway might as well
Live a life I choose

Heidi-Loop (translated and romaji_)thanks to jpop asia

Everything that is reflected in those eyes, isn't it all an illusion?
I wonder how you feel continuing in this tangled melting love?

I only desire one thing
What is it?
My wish to grasp these things can't come true
It flows away like that cloud

Looking
Anywhere
For the reason why we're connected

Isn't it okay just clinging to your sadness?
Your natural beauty when you go out
Even if we were to part one day
Surely we'd still meet

You and I overlapping
Who would wish such a thing
Thrown out into the black sea
I swallow the waves and keep drowning

I feel it
This heart
We'll show it now

Is it okay just clinging to your loneliness?
Your limited beauty is scattered
This time I will scoop it up in in the palm of my hand and fill it with
kindness

Sono me ni utsuru mono subete
Maboroshi ni wa miemasenka
Karami aitekete yukunaka
Kimi wa nani wo kanjiteru no darou

Hoshii mono wa tatta hitotsu
Sore wa iitai nan desuka
Sukamuku to nado kanawanai
Nagareteku ano kumo no you desu

Mitegoran dokomade mo tsunagatta sono riyuu wo

Kanashii kara sugara wo
Sonna mono de ii janai ka
Kazaranai mama mukaeru utsukushisa yo
Itsuno hibi ga wakare wo tatoe doko ni ita toshitemo
Kitto mada aeru

Kumanai ga kimi to boku
Sono ishiki wa dare no mono
Kuro no umi ga kedatare
Nani ni nomare omoete yuku dake

Kanjiteru kono kokoro bokutachi wo ima shimeshite

Sabishii kara sugara wo
Sonna mono de ii janai ka
Kamirareta mama shini yuku utsukushisa yo
Kono toso wa wakare wo tenohira de sukueru mono yo
Yasashisa wo subete

i hate this homey feeling

I hate this...I am not my aunt...

so what if i had to lie and so what if i like to go to clubs.....i'm not married! I don't leave my kids! and I don't sleep around!

fuck that!!

just disown me!

ada apa dengan cinta? ( whats wrong with love)

Oh the poet of love

Let it caress you beautifully

Personalify my soul

And be honest with your heart

What is wrong with the love

The difference between you and me

Let it rhyme

In a ravishing love poetry

Even if the earth would torn into two

We would still clinging to each other..

( translated from Ada apa dengan cinta by melly and eric)

story so far.

You know the part that you doubt yourself? I still do, I just realize so much has change and happen, I still am the way I am.

I know i'm not all popular, mostly invisible, I do what I can, and was taught to do.

I don't loathe at people who obviously do things better than me, but sometimes I just loathed me.

A week passed, and well, I learned something. I actually can do a lot, even though I am not really happy, I really do try. Or at least fake it.

Lately, I'm drown to books written by Mathew Reiley. He is action pack filled author, feels like I'm reliving the thrill I had with watching Indiana Jones movies when I read his books.

Honestly, I love clubbing, not for the sake of getting drunk and all, but you know, the dancing to good djs' , an well with someone you love is worth it.

Well, good for me to know that my mom and the rest of siblings has busted me again for hanging out with my bf, and ask me not to lie again. It really hard not to, since they disapprove of our relationship so much and that, not to complain he is a DJ, not many close minded parents can accept. Meanwhile, i think they now semi-approve us. I haven't mention to them that we go there by bike, if not...TANG TANG TANG......HEll shall break lose again.

Sometimes, i wonder how long I have to fight so many things in one time, when I still have a hard time believing my self. In some things, well, I have pride, a proud girl I can be. Others, (well most) ...not really.

So yes! I can do it!

doooddddleeee

My life is not all colorful,

more shades of gray than i can count,

Always wonder what beyond,

That rainbow side,

I doubt there is a leprechaun,

I know the grass will be greener

How do I get there?

I'm not a little girl

I'm all wise either,

I am of "becoming"

But of what i can't decide

I wish fate and destiny

Were written not so vaguely

The night sky don't shine so much anymore,

The stars don't say a thing,

The sun blaze its yellow light,

But it has never mention why.

Hence, where can i find my answer,

if i can't find it up there in the sky?

Confused, indecisive,

is not how i like it,

Back full burden past,

Front so strange and unlikely,

Where can I go?

Lost and alone,

you can't say i'm not,

Where can i find who i am?

for no friend nor foe i know,

and all but loneliness i hold.

I am a sore loser. Ps: I am not emotional

to that some one, don't be offended.

I am trying my best to type in full perfect sentence without using any short form, or text language. I need to start practice to get rid of that habit cause I am communication major, and thus a lot of formal writing involve. Until know I can't quite differentiate the American English and the British one except from a few easy ones.

Let me be clear, I am not a Muslim, so I don't think I'll be needing prayer outfits. But thanks for the offer.

I AM A EURASIAN. and I am a Catholic.

Most of all, I am a sore loser.

I know I am since I am young, I do try to change that , and I try to suck it up hard. But I am not strong, I break down easy. I hate to compete, unless, I know I have a preferable amount of chance I can compete.And now most of the time, after so many things, I don't have anything to compete, I am not good in most things, and i don't have the right to be in that position to compete.

Some times its not that I don't want to have fun, but its not easy to see yourself keep falling. You'd think I am bitch and a child. So what if this is my flaw, can't anyone just accept. I get angry, but later I'll be fine. And I don't like to be treated handicapped. I know you don;t mean it, but if you do read this, you'll be high-end the edge piss, and we'll argue.

Some things I just can't tell in your face, I know you want me to buckle up and grow some balls. But I'm really sorry i can't do it. I am in fact a sore loser. But i'm trying to be lesser.

Bottom line,

I;m trying to not be that sore,I 'm trying to believe like what you do,

Just that i'm not there yet. At least i improve on my summary.

And don't be angry, I'm not emotional or whatever.

Play it

Play it like you mean it

Play it like the way it goes

Never planned for it though

Don't fall on it

Play it like a skater on ice

Play it like a tango dance

Play it when you cry

Let the wind blow your tears

Play it like sinatra

Play it passionly

Cause you'll never know

when you'll wake up tommorow

Happy, sad

No one cares

If they do,

Do they understand?

When you smile,

When you cry,

When you are true

or when you fake it

You play it

So play it,

Play that tune and that beat,

Swirl around, dance for it

you make it your own

No one knows your story,

How you suffer,or laugh.

How you hurt,or gain

nor how you fall,or raise

No one but the world and you alone...

2011

2011 is already a mess in the beginning, a bloody one too.

it started with a real bang, and pull my world way down and far that i could possibly imagine. I am struggling to pull myself back up, I'm starting to feel the worse of it. slowly draining what left of humanity i have. And little i have of that. HUMANITY.

which it doesn't make any difference, i was invincible to begin with, so then why all these fears of "what if...one day they find out?" ....Its annoying, and a pain in the ass.

I just want to run and hide. College is like a place that are, sad to say too many lucky and happy people. And they get annoyed and sad for the least amount of reasons that i sometimes call stupid, call me a bitch, but there are alot of people like that. I am not trying to say I am not lucky, I am...just not as much, but i swallow if i can. I liked to think i do....

I know this semester is going to be more tough than it usually is, cause all the technical and professional things that are to be learned and imply on, but i wouldn't say hard, cause i have yet done it. ANd so far, after the bloody mess, i think i don't care already, its pointless. I mess up big time few years back, finally set things right and i'm pulled off track. What is the use of trying?

THe only closure i get is from my boyfriend,who is always amazing and there. I maybe getting a bit too annoying or clingy. But i hope it doesn't drive him away.

I'm slipping away....slowly, and the one who can save me is him, glad to have him. Love you baby.